Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. 

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

Damned Egg

An African man and Englishman lived next door to each other.

The African owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The African man ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the African man said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the African man put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The African man smiled and said, "You can keep the damn egg!!"

Smart Guy

An Man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Man produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Smart Man replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

PHD Man vs Ordinary Man

PHD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his friend:"look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

The PHD man replies:"I see millions of stars" the ordinary man asks "what does that tell you?"

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "astronomically speaking, it tells me that their are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically,it tells me that Satan's in Leo.

Time wise,it appears to be approximately 03:15.

Theologically,its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man silents for a moment and speaks: "Practically...... It tells me that...."The tents been stolen!!"

Be educated in the ryt way nd apply it where its applicable

Funny Wife

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
 
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
 
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
 
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
 
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
 
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
 
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
 
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!

Funny Doctor

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

One day A person goes to the doctor Smith with his 3 year son.

Person: - Doctor, my son has swallowed a key, so we came to you.

Doctor:- When did he swallowed a key.

Person:- 10 days back.

Doctor:- And you are coming to me now, after 10 days.

Person:- We had a duplicate key, but today it is lost.

Three women

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. 

She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." 

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Teacher Student Conversation

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?" 

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back. 

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later. 

Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.  

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...."

"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. 

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick." 

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher. 

The teacher told him, "This time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage.

very very funny

A guy asked a girl in a library;

“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
 
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
 
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes,

the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
 
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

Funny Husband

One Day, A woman went for shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay.

The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity n asked "Do u always carry ur TV remote with u?"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today..

Due to his stupid match SO...

The story continues.... The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing.

He said your husband has blocked your credit card..

Husband and Wife

Husband and Wife - BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife – Do you want me to leave?

Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.

Wife – Do you love me?

Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband – No! Why are you even asking?

Wife – Will you kiss me?

Husband – Every chance I get!

Wife – Will you hit me?

Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife – Can I trust you?

Husband – Yes.

Wife – Darling!

Husband and wife – AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

For Example Fight Read Given Below..

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.

Husband: What was that for…?

Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.

Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.

Wife: Sorry..!

Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again

Husband: What now..?

Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Men are Men

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmo’s for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he choose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)


He married the most beautiful one.

Men are Men…. Obviously!!!

Never kiss a nun!

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that ther
e's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Very Funny Interview.. lol..

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...

ENGINEER: ok Sir .....

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.

Last week was my birthday, My wife didn't wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work, Even my colleagues did not wish.

As i entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy birthday Boss!"

I felt special. She asked me for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!

She said,

"You mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"OK", i said in a sexy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake & My wife, My parents, My kids, My friends and My colleagues. 

All screaming "SURPRISE SURPRISE!"

And,

I was waiting on the sofa, NAAKED! :

MAID vs GUY Funny Conversation

A guy went to visit his friend from a very rich family. When he entered, the maid approached him and asked :

MAID : what would you like to drink ? Fruit juice, yogurt, tea, chocolate, apple juice or coffee ?

GUY : Tea please

MAID : Ceylon tea, India tea, herbal tea, kerichon gold tea, bush tea, green tea ?

GUY : Ceylon tea please

MAID : how do you want it, black or white ?

GUY : White

MAID : Milk or fresh cream ?

GUY : with Milk

MAID : Goat Milk or Cow Milk ?

GUY : Cow Milk

MAID : Freezland cow or afrikner cow ?

GUY : hmmm, let me go with the Freezland cow

MaID : would you like it with Sweetner, Sugar or honey ?

GUY : Sugar

MAID : bee sugar or Cane Sugar ?

GUY : Cane sugar

MAID : White, brown or yellow sugar ?

GUY : A beg, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water.

MAID : Mineral, Tap or distilled water ?

GUY : Mineral water

MAID : Flavored or non flavored ?

GUY : In fact get Me an empty glass.

MAID : You want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug ?

GUY : A beg, free me, make i swallow ma spit.

buy a bra for my wife

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. 

The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. 

Which one would you prefer?”

The man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. 

The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; 

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”

Big Guy vs Little Guy.. lol

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. 

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. 

The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. 

The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” 

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. 
 
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. 

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

 I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. 

For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Boss..

Boy: Will you marry me ?

Girl: Do you have a house ?

Boy: None but…

Girl: Do you have a BMW car ?

Boy: None but…
 
Girl: How much is your salary ?
 
Boy: No salary but.
 
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!

* GIRL GOES AWAY *

Boy: *talking to himself*
 
I have one Villa,
 
3 plots,
 
3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche, 1 Lamborghini
 
Why I still need to buy a cheap BMW ?:O
 
How can I get the salary when actually I’m the BOSS

Funny Wife & Husband Conversation..

Wife: Its my bad luck that I married you, otherwise lots of smart boys were interested in me.

Husband: Of course they must be smart, that's why they escaped from you.

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.

Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!
 
Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband: Look at him he kisses her all the time, can’t u do that?

Husband : I tried but she slapped me.

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Husband: can u be the moon of my life?

Wife: Awww Yes sweetheart..!
.
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Husband: Great! then…. Stay 9,955,887.6 kms away from Me..!!

Very Funny Doctor and Old Man..

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. 

See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. 

So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. 

He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” says the doctor.

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. 

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Grown-Up' words," she was always reminding them. 

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. 

Use 'Grown-Up' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." 

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. 

You must remember to use 'Grown-Up' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Lucky Guy

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years. 

A few weeks ago she made me very happy by agreeing to marry me, there was one problem she has an extremely hot sister, I mean every time she bends down I can see almost everything so one day she call me over to come work on invitations.

I walk in and sit down she whispers in my ear “I’ve always had feelings for you if you would like to have one last fling before you get married come upstairs.” 

She walks up the stairs and throws her panties on me.

I’m so shocked I look at the stairs, I look at the door, then again at the stairs. 

I then run to my car, my entire family in law is sitting outside they are all cheering for me, my father in law says “You’re welcome to the family” and they’re all so proud of me for not giving in.

* Moral - Always keep your condoms in your car!

Funny Interview..

Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That's easy, 499

Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: It's lion's birthday, all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.

Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?

Applicant: Err....I guess she drowned?
Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.

Its Funny.. Must Read..

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads :

Cheese Sandwich : - $1.50

Chicken Sandwich : - $2.50

Hand Job : - $10.00.

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes ?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs ?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Ghost and Boy Funny Converstation..

A young boy Talking To A Ghost..

BOY: Why Did You Die … ? ?

GHOST: I Was Hit By A Car Trying To Save Someone

BOY: Why?

GHOST: Because I Don’t Want Her To Get Hurt.

BOY: You Really Love Her A Lot Because You’ve sacrificed Your own Life Just For Her. May be She’s Sad Now, Because of Your Death.

GHOST: No. She’s Very Happy Because The one That I Saved Is The Man Whom She Loves.....

Now tell me, what will you call this love?

After Few days, 

Son: Are ghosts real? 

Dad: Of course not.

Son: But the maid said they are. 

Dad: Son pack your bags....we don't have a maid 

Funny Little Johnny..lol

Teacher said to the class"Children, tomorrow I would like u to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home, and what is d advantage of this new development. 

At the end of the class, teacher asks all the little girls to remain behind for 5 mins.

Teacher said: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty, that is why I am asking you all to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, u all will get up and leave the classroom. Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day - Time for the assignment...

Anita: Near my home, a supermarket is being built... Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk"

Teacher: "Very good!

Suzie: Near my home, they are building a furniture factory... My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home...

Teacher: "Excellent,

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.

Little Johnny: Near my home, they are building a brothel. As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.... Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts" it hasn't opened yet!...its still under construction!

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

Three men : a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven.

If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.

The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.

The mathematician also went to hell.

The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

The idiot went to Heaven.

Unexpected Twist.. Very Funny

A student failed in law & decided to make a deal with professor.

Sir, do you know everything about law?

Prof: Yes.

Student: If you can answer this question, i will accept my final marks, if you cant, you have to give me "A" Grade.

Professor agreed.

Boy asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hours & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy his "A" Grade.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A" Grade, This is neither logical nor legal.

The professor collapsed...

MOTHER

GOD in heaven said to a 9 month baby u r going to born on earth tomorrow..
.
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Baby cried & asked how I will talk with people
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God:" I had already sent an angel 2 earth she will teach You
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Child:  how will i pray 2 You.

God:" The angel will teach you,
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child:" how will i learn good words,
.
God:" angel will teach you
.
child:" if i suffer from sorrow ??
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God:" angel will be their to listen..
.
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child:" how do i find that angel??
.
God:" Its very simple!
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Usually people call that Angel as..
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"MOTHER"
.
.
.
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Hit Share, For this post only If You love your Mom..

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multimillion dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS

Taxi drivers

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."

The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"

After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."

She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.

First Day in School..

Smith First day in a new Secondary School.

Teacher: There will be an elementary science test next week.

Contrary to his nature, Smith reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs is visible.

Question 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its' common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Smith storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.

'Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!'

Teacher: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?

Smith raises his trouser and points to his leg: 'Oya you too, look my leg, tell me my name, my surname, where I they live, which tribe I come from.

Don't overreact in every situation!

Real Funny Story.. Very Very Funny.. Must Read and Share to Everyone..
 
In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly......

CEO of that factory came and asked his salary...

Man replied "5000 sir"

CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him...

"I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary.

Now get out of here. Never come back"

That guy left............

Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?"

Workers replied "Courier Boy Sir".. 

Moral: Don't overreact in every situation!

Heart Touching.. Must Read..

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree-top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow...He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by... the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad.

"Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy. "I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money... but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money." The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited.

"Come and play with me" the tree said. "I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?" "Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.

One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. "I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?" "Use my truck to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.

Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you any more. "No more apples for you... "the tree said. "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied. "No more truck for you to climb on" "I am too old for that now" the boy said. "I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied. "Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, Come sit down with me and rest." The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.......

This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad...When we grown up, we left them... only came to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parent.

Who is the real thief?

John and Smith entered a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking, Smith steals 3 chocolate bars.

After leaving the store,

Smith says to John: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that".

John replies: "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and John says to the Shop keeper:

"Do you want to see magic?" Shop keeper replies:"Yes."

John says: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it.

He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too.

The shop keeper asks: "But where's the magic?"

John replies: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them.

#The friend fainted

Please, Who is the real thief?  John/Smith

Funny Conversation.. ha ha ha..

Teacher: - what's wrong?

Wayne :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Wayne are you sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"

Teacher:- tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Wayne comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?

Wayne:- Dad asked me again, Wayne are u sleeping? & I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mum, Are you coming?

Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?

Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said “wait for me, I'm also coming!”

Funny Women.. ha ha ha ha

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" .

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" . A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Very Funny Kid

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Guy in Restaurant

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook, who hates to be told how to cook, hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.

The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.

Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove."

On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, "You can just kiss my ass, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove."

Funny Wedding Anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, Romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.‘

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again…

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me..‘

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..

The husband became 92 years old!!!

Moral: Men should remember fairies are females too.

Funny Conversation..

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. 

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. 

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. 

But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. 
 
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. 

How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. 

“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. 

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. 

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. 

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. 

I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” 

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man. 

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Attitude Matters

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

A Man saw a Poor Young Boy looking at his expensive Car.

He was in a good mood that day and so he offered him a drive

The Boy couldn't believe his luck and joined him

Boy: Car is marvelous…its so huge..What's the Cost ?

Man: I don't know Exactly..My Friend Gifted it

Boy: So Nice of Him

Man: I know what you are thinking..You also want to have a friend like him right?

Boy: No, I want to BE THAT Friend …!!

Attitude Matters

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. Wife gets him up and cleans everything.

Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table.

"Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you.

Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"

The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said,

"Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. I'm Married!!"

Teacher and Student Funny Conversation..

Teacher: Change this sentence into Future Tense, "I killed a person"
Student: The Future tense is "You will go to a jail"
Teacher: Did u make this poem yourself??
Student: Yes Sir !
Teacher: Nice to meet you, William Shakespeare
Teacher: Which one is more important for us, Son or Moon?
Student: Ofcourse Moon
Teacher: Why??
Students: The moon gives us light in night when we need it BUT the sun gives us light in day when we don't need it..
Teacher : What will you do after growing up?
Student : Facebooking
Teacher : No! I mean what will you Become?
Student : Admin of Facebook pages
Teacher : O My God! I Mean what will you Achieve when you grow up?
Student : Facebook Admin Rights
Teacher : Idiot! I Mean what will you do for you Parents ?
Student : I create a page for them on FacebooK."I Luv Mom and Dad".
Teacher : Stupid! What do you parents want from U? :@
Student : My Facebook password.
Teacher : Oh God!

Funny Little Boys.. ha ha ha..

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, ‘We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!’.

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,’Where is God?’

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’ Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, ‘WHERE IS GOD?’

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened.

The younger brother replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.’

Very Very Funny.. ha ha ha ha

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Epic Johnny

Epic Johnny:
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:- As old as I am.
 
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny:- He became father only after I was born

Teacher: Why did you laugh ?
Boy: I saw a strap of your Bra
Teacher: GET OUT !!!! No Class for you for a WEEK.

Another boy laughs............,

Teacher: Why did u laugh ???
Boy: I saw Both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT....... No class for you for a MONTH....!

Teacher bend down to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out.

Teacher: johnny where are you going out?
Johnny: With what I saw I think my schooldays are OVER.........

Read it..Just Awesome..

Read it..Just Awesome..

Once choosing the color of a sketch pen was a tough task.

Occupying the window seat in the school bus was called obsession.

Getting a toffee as a birthday treat from a friend made our day.

Being the first one to finish copying from the blackboard was the ultimate moment of pride.

Hiding the answers from a bench partner during exams was not called selfishness.

When homework was the only torture & finished it soon, so could get some extra time to play.

Early to bed, early to rise was life's mantra, but how we loved sleeping late and having some extra TV time!

Owning a cycle was like owning everything.

To look good was only to wear our favorite dress frocks for girls n half pants for boys.

We didn't need Facebook or a phone to keep in touch!

We thought all elders are ideal, when Daddy was the only hero and Mom was the only Best friend."

So what they say is right.

"Everybody dies twice. Once when their childhood ends."

Funny Mental

John and Smith were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Smith promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled John out.

When the medical doctor became aware of Smith's act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Smith the news, he said : Smith, i have a good news and bad news, the good news is that you are being discharged, because, since you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, i think you have regain your senses. 

the bad news is that, Smith, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, i am sorry he is dead.

Smith replied,, ,, he did not hang himself, i put him there to dry!,

After Few Years Later,

A plane was carrying mental patients who were making lot of noise, one patient pops into the cockpit and orders the pilots to teach him to fly a plane.

PILOT: yes we will but on a condition that u tell your friends to keep quiet, off he goes and after a short while everywhere became quiet

And he came back, "teach me now" he said, amazed the pilots asked "but how did u manage to silence your friends?"

PATIENT: I've opened the door for them to go and play out side.

Funny Misunderstanding.. ha ha ha ha...

Smith just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Lords.

The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant. so you know how to address their every need even before they ask".

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel.

Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.

After the couple had been taken care of, Smith asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"

"No" came the reply from the manager.

"So how come you knew their name?" asked Smith.

"That is why I told you to be very observant.

All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".

"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Ok" said Smith and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."