NINE WORDS WOMEN USE..


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... Very Funny.. Must Read..

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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  • Mr.Bean vs Teacher.. Very Funny


    Teacher : Little Mr.Bean, assuming you were at a bus stop and Terrorist throws a bomb. What will you do ?
    Little Mr.Bean : I will stop assuming…..


    Teacher : What is a verb ?
    Little Mr.Bean : A verb is a valve in a bicycle Tyre.

    Teacher : What are You saying ?
    Little Mr.Bean : Its a complete sentence sir.

    Teacher : Are You mad ?
    Little Mr.Bean : Its a question sir

    Teacher : don't be ...stupid
    Little Mr.Bean : Its an advice sir.

    Teacher : stop that nonsense!
    Little Mr.Bean : Its a command sir.

    Teacher : You are an idiot
    Little Mr.Bean : Its an insult sir.

    Teacher : Get out of my class!
    Little Mr.Bean : Its an order sir.

    Teacher : Oh goodness!,,,, what a boy!,,,,
    Little Mr.Bean : Its an exclamation sir.

    Teacher : May God have mercy on You.
    Little Mr.Bean : Its a prayer sir …..

    the teacher fainted!!
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  • Funny Parrot



    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

    On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly !

    " She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

    The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

    “Yes?”

    Parrot: You know...
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  • Funny Animal Facebook Status Upddates..



    If animals have FACEBOOK/ BBM/ WhatsApp, these are most likely to be their Status Updates :

    COCKROACH: "Managed to skip from some one’s foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!"

    Dog: "My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her??,I don’t even remember"....

    Mosquito: "I am HIV positive.. this is all due to wrong sucking"

    Pig: "Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu…WTF!! "

    Goat : "Friends, don’t go out, Eid is coming soon"
    ,
    Chicken: "If tomorrow there's no status update from my side, means I'm being served at KFC.

    Pig writes a comment on Goat’s status: "Luckily I am haram"

    Goat replies: "Don’t you remember that after Eid is the Chinese new year..?
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  • Very Funny.. ha ha ha



    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, ’cause this is the last stop. 


    And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.’

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. 


    Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. 

    When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. 


    Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 

    We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’

    She hears the little boy continue ‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. 


    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
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  • ATTITUDE.. Its Awesome.. Must Read..


    If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

    Is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

    Then 


    H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    L+O+V+E= 12+15+22+5= 54%

    L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 =47%

    None of them makes 100% Then what makes 100% ???

    Is it Money? NO !!!

    Leadership? NO !!!

    Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our
    "ATTITUDE".

    It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% Successful..

    A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
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  • How many of you love your husbands? ha ha ha.. Very Funny Reply


    There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

    The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

    All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

    Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

    The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
    Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

    Here are some of the replies:

    1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

    2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

    3. I don't understand what you mean?

    4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

    5. ?!?

    6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

    7. Am I dreaming? ???????

    8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

    9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

    and the best one

    10. Who is this?
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  • Professor vs Sailor.. Very Funny.. ha ha ha..





    A Professor was traveling by boat.

    On his way he asked the sailor :
    “Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology ?

    The sailor said no to all his questions.

    Professor : What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

    After a while the boat started sinking.

    The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology ?

    The professor said no.

    Sailor : “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
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  • Girl BRA Size.. lol.. Hilarious Funny..


    A girl went to a shop to buy a bra.

    GIRL : I need bra.. can you show it..

    SHOPKEEPER : Here is size 36.

    GIRL : Smaller please

    SHOPKEEPER : Size 34

    GIRL : Smaller

    SHOPKEEPER : Size 32

    GIRL : Smaller

    SHOPKEEPER : Size 30

    GIRL : Smaller

    SHOPKEEPER : 26

    GIRL : Smaller

    SHOPKEEPER : Ok...size 24

    GIRL : Smaller

    SHOPKEEPER : Size 20

    GIRL : Smaller Again

    [Shopkeeper now Annoyed]

    SHOPKEEPER : Madam please just go buy some cream may be they were just Pimples!
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  • 10 Husbands.. ha ha ha ha.. lol


    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

    “What?” said the puzzled groom.

    “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

    “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

    “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

    “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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  • MOM's Heart...


    A 16 year old boy asks his Mum: "Mum, what are you going to get me for my 18th birthday ??
    The Mother answers, "son that's still a long way"

    The boy turns 17 & one day and he faints. His Mum takes him to the hospital & the doctor said "Madam your child has a bad heart". 


    The child On the stretcher Says, "did he tell you I'm going to die?" "Mum Starts crying". The boy finally recovers on his 18th Birthday, he comes home& on his bed was a letter his mum had left him.

    The letter said "Son if you are reading this its because everything went well. Remember the day you asked me what was i giving you on your 18th birthday & didn't know what to Answer you??.


    "I gave you my heart" take care of it and happy Birth day Son"


    The mother was dead because she had to give up her heart to her son. Nothing is bigger than MOM's Heart...
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  • Three blondes & Game Warden.. ha ha ha ha



    Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

    “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

    “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

    “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

    As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steel head trout in this river?”
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  • Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore


    wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. 

    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
    "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. 


    While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
    So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. 


    She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. 

    She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. 

    Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. 

    Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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  • 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7.. Very Funny.. Must Read..


    A little boy was doing his math homework & saying:

    2+5, the son of a bitch is 7
     

    3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .

    His Mom: What are you doing?

    Boy: I'm doing maths homework

    Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?

    Boy: Yes

    Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day-
     

    'What are you teaching my son in maths?'

    Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

    Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?

    Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, The Sum of Which is 4 !
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  • Doctor vs Patient



    One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

    The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"


    The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. 


    On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. 

    I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. 

    As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. 

    I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."

    The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. 


    The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. 

    What the hell happened to you?"

    He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. 


    Today was the first day at my new job. 

    I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. 

    I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the sametime, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

    The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked.  Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"


    "Well I was sitting in a fridge and some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......
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  • Very Very Funny.. Must Read..


    A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

    Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

    In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

    He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

    As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel...

    She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

    She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

    ''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

    She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
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  • New Albert Einstein Funny Joke.. Dont Miss It..


    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

    "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

    When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me
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  • Funny James Bond


    James Bond was at a bar chatting up a beautiful woman. The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

    "Are you running late?" she asks.

    Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

    "Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

    Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any undergarments."

    The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing undergarments."

    Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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  • WATER Melon.. lolzzz


    Smith and his friend raped a princess. When they were caught and taken to the king for punishment.

    The king ordered them to go and get as many fruits as they can to bail themselves.

    Smith's friend went and returned with 15 Mangoes, the king ordered the guards to insert the Mango into his ass so that he will feel the same pain as the raped Princess.

    The guy screamed and shouted throughout the insertion.

    Suddenly, he began to laugh out loud, the guard asked him why he was laughing in pain.

    He pointed ahead and said
    .
    .
    .
    “Look at my friend (Smith), he is bringing WATER Melon's.” lolzzz
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  • Funny Conversation.. lolzzzz



    Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

    Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..

    ''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

    Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.

    That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law.

    Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

    Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.

    This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

    That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

    This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

    Now, the half-sister of my son, my step-mom, is also the grand-mom.

    My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! AND 


    YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?"

    the other guy fainted...
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  • Doctor and his Assistant.. Very Funny.. Must Read..


    A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

    “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

    “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

    The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

    Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

    “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

    “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

    “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

    “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

    “ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

    “I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
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  • Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl



    Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl:

    A teacher asked a little girl: What your DAD do?

    Girl replied: He works in a chocolate factory and brings lots of chocolate for me..

    In the evening he works in an ice-cream parlor and I eat my favorite flavor…

    He also works in a toys shop and brings me soft and cuddly teddy sometime.

    He is also a teacher because he helps me in my homework.

    He is very strong & hard worker..

    He works from morning to evening and never get tired.

    And

    When he is back to home, he is always ready to play with me.

     

    Note:
    Kids don’t value what we do to earn the money. They give value to what we do to earn their love…
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  • GUY IN LADIES TOILET.. VERY FUNNY.. MUST READ..


    A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

    He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

    Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

    He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

    Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

    Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

    He later woke up in a hospital.

    A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

    Your balls are in the jar over there!
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  • Very Very Funny.. Must Read..



    Mr John once hurt his arm when playing tennis.

    His friend told him of this new machine at Barnet General Hospital that could diagnose any problem in a human and prescribe an appropriate remedy.

    All it needed was a small sample of body fluid.

    Mr John, skeptical, went to test it out.

    He put in some of his blood in the small container he was given and put it in the machine.

    The results came out instantaneously and said,

    “You have a tennis arm. Rub with ointment and soak in warm water daily.”

    He was genuinely impressed.

    But, he thought he could trick the machine and confuse it.

    He went home and mixed up different things.

    He put in his dog’s urine, his daughter’s spit, a bit of his wife’s blood (He told her it was just a test) and finally his semen.

    He went back to the machine the next day and put in the mixture he’d made.

    The machine was quiet for a while.

    Just as Mr John thought he’d won, the results came out.

    “Your dog has fleas. Get a veterinary. Your daughter is taking heroin. Get her a counselor. Your wife is pregnant. And the baby’s not yours. Get a lawyer. Stop masturbating or your tennis arm won’t heal.”

    He’s still on admission in at the same Barnet General Hospital after a heart attack.
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  • LIE DETECTOR ROBOT



    A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

    He decides 2 test it at dinner.

    Dad : Son, where were you today during school hours ?

    Son : At School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

    Dad : Which one ?

    Son : Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was porn movie.

    Dad : What ?! When I was your age, I never watched such films....Robot slaps Dad!

    Mom : Ha ha! After all he's your son.

    Robot slaps mom!!

    Total silence..!!

    SHARE if u get it
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  • Funny LION





    One day, Two Friends walking in a bush and Chat about future.

    Suddenly, they saw a lion in front of him.

    They knelt down for prayers, 


    so that GOD would deliver him.

    When they open their eyes,  they saw the lion also kneeling down for prayers.

    One Friend asked "Mr lion what are you doing ?"

    The lion replied "Shut up! Don't you pray before you Eat your food?"
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  • Funny Mr.Bean




    Mr.Bean and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.



    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.



    When Mr.Bean received his plate, he started eating right away. "Dear! Please wait

    until we say our prayer." said his Wife.



    "I don't need to," the Mr.Bean replied.



    "Of course, you do." his Wife insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."



    "That's at our house." Mr.Bean explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
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  • Girls never understand what a boy wants to say


    A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

    “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.

    Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

    She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” – he thought.

    Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

    “What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” – she said.

    After Few Hours, She return the home on Scotty..

    A Boy was driving a car.. & shouted,"Hey Buffalo"

    Girl turned back n shouted.. "you donkey, flirt, stupid monkey"

    Suddenly ­ she had an accident She was hit by a buffalo while crossing the road...
    .
    .
    .
    MORAL:"Girls never understand what a boy wants 2 say"
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  • Very Funny Sardarji



    Once a Sardarji went to a electronic shop, he asked the shopkeeper"
     

    what is the price of this TV?".

    The shopkeeper answered "we don't sell our products to sardarji".

    The sadar again came next by cutting his beard and asked
     

    "what is the price of this TV?".

    The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to sardarji".
     

    The next day sardar came without tubun with a differnt face and  asked "what is the price of this TV?".

    the shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to sardarji".

    Finally the sardar got irritated and asked the shopkeeper"

    how do you recognise me every time?"


    The shopkeeper replied "this is not TV it is Microwave"
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  • Real Funny Conversation.. Must Read..



    This My FRIEND Real Online chatting Conversation with a female in Software Company.. Must Read..

    (Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big Software Company)

    Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's You doing today?

    Female: Very GM...Day is going good and it got better having found You on chat

    Hero : wow... am honored, You know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

    Female: Yep...me too feel the same...BRB (Be Right Back) will get some Coffee.

    Hero : OK

    (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

    Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

    Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

    Manager : Could You write a program for me which generates Nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

    Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

    Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

    (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

    Female: Hey, am back

    Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@

    Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick peoples these managers are!!

    Hero : Yep, You right!!

    Female: Hey, can You do me a favor

    Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

    Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print Nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

    Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Your mail in an hour from now. ok?

    Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED YOU WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!
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  • Funny Short Story..


    A lady went to Buy a new car. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

    "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."
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  • Make Them all ugly again



    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

    They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

    They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. 


    The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

    This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. 


    When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

    The guy calms down and says: " Make Them all ugly again."
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  • Chinese, Japanese and Taiwanese


    Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

    As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

    Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

    “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.”

    The astonished Chinese man replied,
    “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, It was the Japanese”.

    “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same, ” replied Spielberg.

    In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
    “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

    Shocked, Spielberg replies,
    “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

    The Chinese replies,
    “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’reall the same.”
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  • Funny Fans..


    A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan were all  in Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden,  Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a  severe offence in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

    However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The Liverpool fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” 


    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried  away bleeding and crying with pain.  The arsenal  fan was next up. After watching the Scouser in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the arsenal fan was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

    The man u fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
    the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You support one of the biggest club in the world and your team is the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, he replied. 


    “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”? “Tie the arsenal fan to my back.”
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  • Clever Husband


     Husband sent a text to his wife at night :

    "Hi I will get home late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes.


    #No reply#"

    And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before i return."
     

    #No reply#.

    He sent another text

    "And i forgot to tell you that i got an increase in my salary. At the end of this month i'm getting you a new car".

    She text back ; "Oh my God, really ??".

    Husband replied ; "No i just wanted to make sure you got all my first messages. nice night baby".
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  • Mr. Bean Letter To Bill Gates


    Dear Bill Gates,

    I bought a Laptop (Window Vista) for me and I found some problems which i wanted to bring to your attention.

    1.  There is a button "START" but there is no "STOP" button, I want to request you to check this.


    2. Another Doubt, Is there any "Re-Scooter" Available in the System? I find only "Re-Cycle" but i own a scooter in my home..


    One Personal question, how does it Happened..?

    Your Name is 'GATES' but you are selling the products as 'WINDOWS'!!

    I recommend you to recheck the Name..

    Regards,
    Mr. Bean
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  • Three pastors


    Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday. They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them. Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.

    He said “guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses”. They all agreed to this.


    This pastor said “Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can’t stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired”!


    Another pastor said “brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!”


    The last pastor’s feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell. He stood up and said “My brothers my problem is gossip! I can’t sit anymore. I have to share this!


    I will be back!
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  • London Girl.. Very Funny



    A woman goes to United Kingdom to attend a 2 week Company training session.

    Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

    The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

    The husband laughs and says: An London girl!!!

    The woman kept quiet and left.

    Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?

    Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?

    Which present? She asked.

    The one I asked for - an London girl !!

    Oh, that she said:

    Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl!!!
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  • 3 Drunk and Taxi Driver



    3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

    The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off.

    He told them."We have reached ".

    The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "thank you".

    The 3rd guy gave him a SLAP to the Driver!!

    The driver was shocked and thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.

    But he asked "whats that for?".

    The 3rd guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us"!!!!





    Fact:


    10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
    Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
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  • Best Misunderstanding Ever..



    Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!

    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s

    "Hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

    Hope you have said hello to them.
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  • Doctor, Clergyman and Lawyer


    As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

    He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”

    All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

    At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

    While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”

    The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”

    The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
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  • GAY Test.. Must Try This


    Must Try This GAY Test..

    Do this test to see if have a gay streak. Do it quickly and go on your first answer :

    1. Think of a country beginning with ‘D’.

    2. Take the second letter of that country and think of an animal.

    3. Think of the color of that animal.

    As long as you weren’t thinking of a grey elephant from Denmark, you are straight…
     

    OR

    Try this Other One.. 
     
    Lord Infamous asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.

    The doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

    Lord infamous pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55."

    The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Lord infamous said "55".

    The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.

    Lord infamous said, "1...2...3..."

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  • Funniest Salesman Ever







    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

    “Very good,” said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

    “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Mr.Bean’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mr.Bean walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

    “$2,467,” he said.

    “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

    “Toothbrushes,” said Little Mr.Bean.

    “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

    “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Mr.Bean, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like shit!” Then I would say, “It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”


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  • Women Always Women.. lolzzzzzzzz


    Women chatting in office..

    Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

    Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

    Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

    At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
     

    Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ??

    Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ??

    Husband 1:" It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab.

    We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

    Moral:" Presentation does matter.. No matter what the reality is..!!"
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  • Heart Touching Conversation.. Must Read..



    Girl: I miss you..
    Boy: And so?
    Girl: I really did.
    Boy: ok.
    Girl: I’m sorry.
    Boy: What for?
    Girl: For ignoring
    your efforts to communicate with me.
    Boy: Its OK..
    I got used to it,
    then I got tired,
    so I stopped trying and started forgetting...
    Girl: I..
    Girl: I… tried to forget about you,  you see...  we can never be…
    Boy: its OK...
    Girl: Why is it so OK?
    Boy: I got used to days hoping you’d be back... but, then you never did.. I started facing reality,
    and started to get a move on..
    Girl: Wait… am I too late?
    Boy: Too late for what?
    Girl: To court you?
    Boy: You know, I’ve always wanted to hear that from you... Back then, a years ago...
    But…I got used to only wishing for it.. then realized it would never happen, so I stopped hoping...
    Girl: I’m really sorry, but dont worry, this time, I will make your wishes come true...
    BOY: That's not possible.. I have got someone in ma life...
    Girl: Its great for you.. Who is she?
    When I'll meet her?
    BOY: She doesn't want to meet you any day..
    GIRL: Why?
    What I have done to her?
    BOY: She doesn't want to meet you any day..
    GIRL: Why?
    What I have done to her?
    BOY: (slowly replied)- She just don't wanna meet the one who did hurt me the most.. Its my turn to say sorry.. Time got into me... You’ve broken my heart already. I cant risk experiencing that again.. Thank you anyway. For communicating with me after a years of silence.. She kept her head down and went silently....

    After she left The  Boy out her picture kept in his wallet-Some tears rolled down when he whispered -'Its still you'....
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  • Its Funny.. Must Read..


    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

    "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

    TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?


    They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

    You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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  • man lies because


    One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"  The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

    "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

    The woodcutter replied, "No."

    The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

    Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

    The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

    The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

    The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

    One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

    "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

    The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

    The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so *that's* why I said yes this time."

    The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason !!
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  • Stupid Doctor


    Girl - my boy friend is such a STUPID.

    Doctor - why ?

    Girl - he come yesterday my home and enter my room and started taking off my cloths

    Doctor - like dis . . . . ??

    Girl - yeah. . . . and he pull out ma underwear

    Doctor - like dis ....??

    Girl - yeah. . . . and then he such my ass,

    Doctor - like dis. . . . ??

    Girl - yeah and than he fuck me. . . .

    Doc - like dis. . . . ??


    Girl - yeah . . . . And then he told me that he is HIV Positive.

    Doctor - STUPID. . . !!
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  • Do You Know Who is Perfect Woman????????


    There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
    Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.


    Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

    Only one of them survived the accident.

    Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)

    The perfect woman.

    Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

    A Male's Response
    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
    have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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  • Nursing home : Very funny


    One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. 

    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. 

    Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. 

    This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

    “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

    “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
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  • Smartest Woman - Funny Joke


    A pilot, Michael Jordan, Julia Gillard, the Pope, and a school girl were all in a plane together in stormy conditions.

    Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    “I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordan. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordan then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

    Julia Gillard: “I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.”. She took the third parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

    School Girl : “You don’t have to stay here! Australia’s smartest woman took my school bag.”
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  • Woman vs officier.. Funny Converstation

     
    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
    please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too
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  • Love Never Die..



    Once a lady when having a conversation with her lover, asked:

    Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

    Man : I can t tell the reason.. but I really like you..

    Lady : You can t even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?

    Man : I really don t know the reason, but I can prove that I love U.

    Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

    Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm... because you are beautiful,

    because your voice is sweet,

    because you are caring,

    because you are loving,

    because you are thoughtful,

    because of your smile,

    because of your every movements.

    The lady felt very satisfied with the man s answer.

    Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and went
    in comma.

    The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:

     

     ************** Letter ************

    Darling,

    Because of your sweet voice that I love you...

    Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you.

    Because of your care and concern that I like you..

    Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.

    Because of your smile,

    because of your every movements that I love you..

    Now can you smile? Now can you move?

    No, therefore I cannot love you...

    If love needs a reason, like now,

    There is no reason for me to love you anymore.

    Does love need a reason? NO!

    Therefore, I still love you...

    Love me for a Reason...Let the Reason Be Love
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  • Funniest Conversation Ever.. lolzzz


    Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

    Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

    Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

    Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
    to me. Who is this?

    Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

    Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
    what's this urgent matter about?

    Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
    was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
    being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
    hospital.

    Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
    hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
    hilarious but I don't have time for this!

    Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

    Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

    Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

    Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….
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  • Prescription is Must for buy a Cyanide..



    A nice, calm and respectable Girl went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The Girl replied, "I need it to poison my Lover."

    The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your Lover. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

    They will throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The Girl reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her Lover in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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  • Why Husbands Avoid Questions!


    WIFE: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?

    Husband: No...

    Wife- Why not? Don't you like being married?

    Husband: Of course i do.

    Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    Husband: Ok, ok, i'd get married again...

    Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?

    Husband: Yes, it's a great house.

    Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?

    Husband: Yes, its almost new, dear .

    Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?

    Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own..

    Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?

    Husband: No, her size is '5'

    Wife: --silence-

    Husband: 'shiiit'...!!!
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  • ELDERLY MAN vs YOUNG MAN

    An elderly man was on a bus in Warri, helding to Lagos, with a beautiful girl sitting close to him.

    A young man wanted to light a cigarette in the bus.

    ELDERLY MAN : What is wrong with you young man, why would you light a cigarette in this bus ? Do you want to kill this beautiful girl here.

    YOUNG MAN : Sorry sir. He put off the light.

    After a long time in the traffic without movement, the beautiful girl stretched with her hands in the air and a serious odour came out from her armpit.

    All of a sudden, the elderly man said to the young man.

    ELDERLY MAN : Light the cigarette!.

    YOUNG MAN : Sir ?.

    ELDERLY MAN : Are u deaf ? I say light the cigaretee!!!

    YOUNG MAN : Ok sir. [He lit the cigarette]

    ELDERLY MAN : Blow it to my nose, blow it now!!!.

    YOUNG MAN : Ok sir.

    ELDERLY MAN : It is better to die this way than to die that way.
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  • Funny Grandpa



    IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

    I’m not sure the IRS finds …that believable.’

    I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

    Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

    The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

    ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’
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  • Explaination of A to Z.. Awesome. Must Read..



    BOY : A, B, C
    GIRL : What ?

    BOY : Always Be Careful
    GIRL: then ?

    BOY : D, E, F, G
    Girl : ??

    BOY : Don't Ever ForGet That
    GIRL : Hmmm....

    BOY : I am H I
    Girl : What H I ?
    BOY : Happily In love

    GIRL : So ??
    BOY : J, K, L, M, - Just Keep Loving Me

    GIRL : And how about N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z ?
    BOY : No Other Person Quite, Reasonable , Shall Treat U Very Well Xcept me You'll Zee ? ? ? 


    Awesome isn't?? ?
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  • Toilet Paper Help to Grow Your______


    A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

    One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

    The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?”, she asks.

    “They’ll grow larger over a period of years”, he replies.

    The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

    The husband says. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
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