Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. 

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

Damned Egg

An African man and Englishman lived next door to each other.

The African owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The African man ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the African man said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the African man put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The African man smiled and said, "You can keep the damn egg!!"

Smart Guy

An Man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Man produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Smart Man replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

PHD Man vs Ordinary Man

PHD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his friend:"look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

The PHD man replies:"I see millions of stars" the ordinary man asks "what does that tell you?"

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "astronomically speaking, it tells me that their are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically,it tells me that Satan's in Leo.

Time wise,it appears to be approximately 03:15.

Theologically,its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man silents for a moment and speaks: "Practically...... It tells me that...."The tents been stolen!!"

Be educated in the ryt way nd apply it where its applicable

Funny Wife

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
 
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
 
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
 
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
 
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
 
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
 
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
 
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!

Funny Doctor

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

One day A person goes to the doctor Smith with his 3 year son.

Person: - Doctor, my son has swallowed a key, so we came to you.

Doctor:- When did he swallowed a key.

Person:- 10 days back.

Doctor:- And you are coming to me now, after 10 days.

Person:- We had a duplicate key, but today it is lost.

Three women

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. 

She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." 

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."