Very Very Funny

One Day Johnny goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

Johnny thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."

He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Funny Grandpa

An elderly man in London calls his son in New York and says; 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 60 years of marriage and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about his, so you call your sister in Malaysia and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her Father immediately, and screams at him, 'You are not getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay', he says, 'It's all set.

They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

Don't Mess With Women

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend,and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says. “Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

Very Funny Little Johnny Hilarious Joke

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty."

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, then her classmate Little Johnny who is standing behind her gives her a poke and says, ‘See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!’

The teacher fainted!!!

Funny Little Johnny

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest! ?" 

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. 

The following morning he asked his father the same question.

His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. 

When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early.

Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" 

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying ?" 

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Do You Know Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Grandpa vs Grandson.. So Funny

A Grandpa and a Grandson Smith was seating next to each other in a Bus.

Grandpa said to Smith lets play a game.

I will ask you a question and if you didn't get the answer, you will pay me $100, and if u ask me a question and I didn’t get the answer, I will pay you $10000.

The Grandpa started: What is the distance from the Earth to Jupiter?

Smith doesn't say a word, he reaches his pocket and pulled out a $50 and gave him.

Now it's Smith turn to ask.

He said: what goes up in the hill with 5 legs and comes down with 7 legs?

The Grandpa Thought for a long time, searches the internet, and asked all his smart friends but couldn't get the answer.

He reaches his pocket and pulled out a $10000 and gave it Smith.

Grandpa got mad and asked Smith: well, what the hell goes up the hill with 5 legs and comes down with 7 legs?.

Smith just deep his hand into his pocket and gave Grandpa $100 and said: I don't know also.

Epic Grandpa FART

A 65 Years old Grandpa goes to the doctor and says :

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says,"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.''

The next week the Grandpa comes back.

"Doctor," He says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says,"Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

House Maid vs Young Married Girl

The house maid asked for a pay increase. The Young Married Girl was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Young Married Girl: “Now Lucia, why do you want a pay increase?

Lucia: “Well, Madam, there are 3 reasons why I want the increase. The first is that I iron better than you"

Young Married Girl: “Idiot who said you iron better than me?”

Lucia: “you husband told me so.”

Young Married Girl: “Oh yeah?”

Lucia: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Young Married Girl: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Lucia: “your husband did”

Young Married Girl: “Oh he did, did he?”

Lucia: “yes and the third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Young Married Girl, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks,

“What??????? And did my husband say that as well. Let the useless man come home today he will learn a lesson?”

Lucia: “Relax madam… it is the gardener told me that.”

Young Married Girl: “So how much do you want?

Its So Funny

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, Tattooed biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face.

As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messing with ya"

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

Everything has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison

dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Epic Funny Conversation Between Dad & Son

Dad: if you Pass in the exam i will Present you 1 Cycle.

Son: if i fail?

Dad: Then i will Present 10 Cycles

Son: why?

Dad: To Open a Cycle Shop..

After Exam Result

Dad: What's your Grade, son?

Son: Under water, Dad.

Dad: Under water? What do You mean?

Son: They're below C level.

Dad: whenever i beat you, you don't get annoyed, how you control your anger?

Son: i start cleaning the toilet. Sitting with your toothbrush

Dad shocks....

Dad: Whom You like more Mom or Dad?

Son: Both

Dad: No tell me 1?

Son: Both

Dad: If i go to America & Your mother go to Paris Where will you go?

Son: Paris

Dad: It means that  you like your Mom?

Son: No, because Paris is beautiful than America

Dad: If i go to Paris & your Mom goes to America , so Where will you go?

Son: America

Dad: why?

Son: I've seen Paris with my Mom, Daddy....

Dad shocks....
Son rocks.....

EPIC Salesman

A young guy from California moves to New York. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a salesman job.

The CEO says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in California."

Well, the CEO liked the young guy and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The young guy says, "One."

The CEO says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The young guy says "$404,237.65."

The CEO says "$404,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The young guy says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The CEO said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The young guy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a Merchant announced to the villagers that he would buy goats for $ 20. The villagers, seeing that there were many goats around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The Merchant bought thousands at $20 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $30. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching goats again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to $35 and the supply of goats became so little that it was an effort to even see a goat, let alone catch it!

The Merchant now announced that he would buy goats at $60! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

Look at all these goats in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $50 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $70.

" The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the goats. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only goats everywhere!

Welcome to the 'Stock Market' .....

Its Awesome.. Must Read

Young John moved to Village of Hempstead, New York and bought a horse from a Old Farmer for $100.00. The Old Farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, “Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died.”

John replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The  Old Farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

John said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The Old Farmer asked, “What you going to do with him?”

John said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The Old Farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

John said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the Old Farmer met up with John and asked, “What happened With that dead horse?”

John said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00.”

The Old Farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

John said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

John grew up and now works for the government.

Very Funny Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal, pays and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

Same thing happens, the blind man ordered the food, eats, pays and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girls go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The Girls read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the Girls. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth Floor: The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

Very Very Funny..

One girl went to a laptop Sales & Service Shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a Salesman from whom he bought.

She told the salesman that you have cheated me.

I cannot transfer file from my previous Computer to Laptop..

Salesman : Madam, can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer  and selected CUT option.

2) Then She Disconnected the mouse from that Computer.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected into the Newly Purchased Laptop where she wanted to copy that file.

4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option
.
.
.
Salesman DIED

Unforgettable Camping Trip

One day a Grandfather and his educated grandson went to a camping trip, and set up their tent and fell asleep.

After some hours , The Grandfather woke up his Grandson and said...

"Look up at the sky and tell me what did you see?"

The Grandson said ... "I see millions of stars,moon, and moving clouds."

His Grandfather asks... "What does that tell you?"

The Grandson think for a minute and then says...

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

After Few Minutes, The Grandson asks "What does it tell you Grandpaa?"

The Grandfather is silent for a moment, and then tells:

"Practically, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent"

Story Told by a Married Woman

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend : 

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you..’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress : 

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story : 

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

Who Pass This Experiment

The old man had a teenage son, and it was getting high time the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible,

2. A silver dollar,

3. A bottle of whiskey,

4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," The old man said to himself, "and when he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!" the old man prayed. "He's going into politics!!"

Trainee vs CEO

Perfect example of confidence:

A Newly Joined Trainee in a Big Multinational Company Dialed CEO Number by mistake & said,

“Hey, send a hot coffee in accounts Dept in 2 min”

CEO shouted: Do you know with whom u are talking?

Trainee: NO

CEO: I am CEO of the Company.

Trainee in the same Tone: Do you know with whom you are talking?

CEO: No

Trainee said: Thanks God & disconnected the phone

Conversation between a PhD holder and an ordinary man

Conversation between a PhD holder and an ordinary man

A PhD holder and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep. 

Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his PhD  friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?" 

The PhD man replies: "I see millions of stars." The ordinary man asks: "What does that tell you?" 

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:

"Practically, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent"

3 IDIOTS.. Too Funny

Three Men went for a tour to Singapore. They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should Reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30pm. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under The condition that each man has to tell a story that lasts for 33 Floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first man finished his story in 33rd floor, the third Man said, "I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second man finished his story and the third finished his Story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first man asked what was the sad story. The third one said,"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second man after crossing 33 floors from top said, " I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second man said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third man said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third man about the sad story, he replied: 

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"