Its So Funny.. Must Read

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was't wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

''What are you going to do with the prize money ?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' 

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.''

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet ?''

After Few Days Later,

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. 

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. 

The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. 

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. 

As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Satan vs Man

Satan visits a church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny of Green-ville wakes up early and goes to their local church. 

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. 

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

awkward moment

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow...

Today I went on thesaurus.com & searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

That awkward moment when someone spells your name wrong on Facebook even though your name is RIGHT THERE!

That awkward moment when you get tagged in a photo on a night, at a place that you said you weren't...

Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

*Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

LIKE if your parents think your friends are a bad influence, but honestly, you are usually
the one that comes up w/ the ideas.

Don't underestimate me, that's my family's job.

Expiry Date

Wife:What are you doing?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.

Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.

Wife : Do you want dinner?’

Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife :Yes or no.

Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?

The Lazy Husband

A newly wed couple moves into their house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says!

WIFE: Honey, you know in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?
HUSBAND: What do I look like Mr. Plumber?

A few days go by and he comes home from work!

WIFE: Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?
HUSBAND: What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?

The next day the husband comes back home from work! The plumbing is fixed, so is the roof and so is the car! He asked his wife what happened.

WIFE: Oh, I had a handyman come fix them.
HUSBAND: How much did it cost?
WIFE: Nothing, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him!
HUSBAND: Which cake did you bake?
WIFE: Do I look like Cakes n Cream?

Very Very Funny

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. 

They go to the police station to make a full report. 

Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.

To their amazement, the car has been returned. 

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. 

Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. 

They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken through out the house, from basement to attic.

And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

Sister Mathematical vs Sister Logical

There were two nuns One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?

I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.