Mother

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 4 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... )

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Father and Son

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Curious, he yells : “Who are you ?”

He receives the answer : “Who are you ?”

Angered at the response, he screams : “Coward !”

He receives the answer : “Coward !”

He looks to his father and asks : “What ’s going on ?”

The father smiles and says : “My son, pay attention.”

And then he screams to the mountain : “I admire you!”

The voice answers : “I admire you!”

Again the man screams : “You are a champion!”

The voice answers : “You are a champion!”

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains : “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE. It gives you back everything you say or do. Our life is simply a reflection of our actions. If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

She is not my wife

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Love Me For Who I Am

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?!! What was that ?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom ?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was so excited.

Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped, "WHAT ?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ?"

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

Big Fart

A woman went to dinner with her boyfriend at his parents house for the first time and was eager to make a good impression. 

The boyfriends mother however had cooked a rich Mexican meal full of onions and beans.

Shortly into the dinner the woman felt a fart coming on but try as she might she could not keep it in and she let out a small passing of wind.

Everyone at the table went silent but before she could say anything the boyfriends father looked at the family dog which was lying under the table and yelled, “Ginger.” 

The woman was greatly relieved and continued her meal. Soon she felt another fart coming on and with only a small hesitation let out a moderately loud passing of wind.

Once again the father looked at the dog and yelled, “Ginger goddamit!”

The meal resumed and everything was going great until near the end of the evening when the woman felt another fart coming on.

Without a thought she let go a long, loud and smelly fart that had everyone in the room reaching for napkins to cover their noses. 

This time the father looked at the dog and yelled, “Ginger goddammit, get away from the stinky bitch before she shits on you!”

Guy vs Death

One day death came to a Guy and said:"Hey, today is your last day" 

Guy:"But I'm not ready!". 

Death said:"Well today your name is the first on my list".

Guy:"Okay then why don't you take a seat and We will drink a COFFEE before we go?"
Death:"All right".

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it.

Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list.!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy:"Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list" 

Moral: Whatever is written in your Destiny Will never change no matter how much you try!!