Why Women are special.. Must read

Husband & Wife were watching TV when Wife said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the bowls, took vegetable out of the freezer for morning, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She emptied a waste basket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, Addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag. Then she washed her face, put on her moisturizer, brushed her teeth.....

Husband called out,
"I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish, then made sure the doors were locked.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, and had a brief conversation with one kid who is still up doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day. Said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. about that time, Husband turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.

"I'm going to bed." And he did... without another thought.

Anything Extraordinary Here?

Share this to phenomenal women today... they' ll love you for it!

And Forward this to as many men as you can so that they know why women are so special......!!!

Too Funny.. Must Read

Lipstick On The Mirror

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Very Funny 4 Married Guys

Four married guys went fishing. 

After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said,

 "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

Sad But Funny... Read & Share

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 

His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the then and played poker all evening.

But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Too Funny.. Must Read

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

So Funny Phone Conversation.. Must Read

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!

Its Too Funny.. Must Read

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf.

My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur, “your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

Very Very Very Funny.. Must Read

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.

Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out; but a couple of months later :

Son : Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter.

Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and son was so mad, He went straight to his mother crying.

Son : Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says : My love, You can date whoever you want. He isn't your Father..!!

This is Awesome.. Must Read

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff.

It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Very Funny Old Ladies

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

keep sharing it

Its So Funny.. Must Read

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina ?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman,"Do you have a Vagina ?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,"Honey, i am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispered to the wife,"Honey, i am going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,"Do you have a Vagina ?"

"Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!!"

Funny Final Destination

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.  His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.  The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Revenge Like a BOSS

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"

She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. 

I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it."

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Very Very Funny Conversation

Girl: I'm in a big trouble!

Boy: Why is that?

Girl: I saw a mouse in my house!

Boy: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

Girl: I don't have one.

Boy: Well then, buy one.

Girl: Can't afford one.

Boy: I can give you mine if you want.

Girl: That sounds good.

Boy: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

Girl: I don't have any cheese.

Boy: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

Girl: I don't have oil.

Boy: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

Girl: I don't have bread.

Boy: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house..??

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

Little Marry was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Marry, who created the universe?"

When Marry didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Marry and the teacher said, "Very good" and Marry fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Marry, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, Marry didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Marry and the teacher said, "very good," and Marry fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Marry a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Marry jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
 ****


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One Of The Best Argument Ever I Read

Don’t miss even a single word…. It’s Too good.. An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and…..

In 1902, a professor asked his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe ?

Student replied : Yes

He again asked : what about evil ?

Has God created evil also ?

The student got silent....

Then the student requested that may he ask a question for him ?

Professor allowed him to do so.

He asked : Does cold exist

Professor said : yes ! Don't You feel the cold dear

Student said : I'm sorry but your wrong sir.

Cold is a complete absence of heat..

There is no cold, it is only an absence of heat.

Student asked again : Does darkness exist ?

Professor said : yes !

Student replied : your again wrong sir.

There is no such thing like darkness.

Its actually the absence of light. Sir ! We always study light & heat, but not cold & darkness.

Similarly, the evil does not exist.

Actually it is the absence of love, faith & true belief in God.

That student was Albert Einstein...!!!

Its So Funny.. Must Read

Jack and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Jack’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Jack’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Jack and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”. Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Jack and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.” Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Jack and Mary up yet?”
His mom says, “No”.

He asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Jack came to my room for some Vaseline and I think….

I Gave Him My AIRPLANE GLUE.”

 ********---------*********

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Funniest Senior Moment Ever

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

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Some old men can still think fast

A man in New York owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large Lake in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Very Funny Gold Diggers!!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Very Funny Two little boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any  mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s  face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him
in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

Thanks for reading. Dont forget to share because remember… “Sharing is Caring”.

Talking Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. "

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?

I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but having a talking frog, now that's cool."

Funniest Letter Ever

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
*******

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, So he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
*******
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
*******
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
*******
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. ''Just be home in time for dinner'', Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
*******
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!


Bobby

Funny Student

One day a Lecturer was talking about marriage in class...

Lecturer : What kind of wife would you like Smith?

Smith : I would want a wife like the moon...

Lecturer : Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Smith : No, no...

Lecturer: oh so you want her to be round and white? ??

Smith: No, no...

Lecturer: Oh, so you want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon? ??
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
Smith: No, no...I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning

Best Break-Up Letter Ever!!

Best Break-Up Letter Ever!

A soldier stationed in Pakistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Rocky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Bocky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Bocky, Rocky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Bocky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Rocky

What do U Think I am 'Mc'Donalds'

Wife to Husband: "Come Help Me in Garden.."

Husband: "Wat do U think I am A Gardener??"

Wife: "Come Fix the Toilet Faucet..!"

Husband:What do U Think I am A Plumber??"

Wife: "Come fix the Door Handle.."

Husband: What do U Think I am A Carpenter??

[The Husband Went Out but When He came Back, He Saw that Everything was Fixed..! The Garden, Toilet Faucet & the Door Handle..!]

He Asked his Wife Who did It??

The Wife Said: "Its the Neighbor's Pintu's Father, But He gave Me to Options... Either to Make Him a Burger; Or have A Kiss With Him..!"

Husband: I'm Sure, U gave Him a Burger..! :))

Wife: "What do U Think I am 'McDonald's' !!! ??"

Don't Copy, if you can't Paste

A famous inspirational speaker said :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife. "

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added : "She was my mother"

(A big round of pause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife "

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.

.
.
.

By the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water !!!

Moral : Don't Copy, if you can't Paste...

Manners, Shut up, and Poop

There were 3 guys driving down a road really fast.

The guys names are Manners, Shut up, and Poop.

While they were driving Poop falls out the back of the car and Manners goes after him.

Shut up is still speeding when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks over and asks Shut up "what is your name, son?"

He replied "Shut up."

The cop asks again "son, please tell me your name."

Shut up tells him again "Shut up!" 



 
Then the cop asks "where are your Manners kid!?"

Then Shut up said, "he is back there picking up poop."

Very Very Cute & Funny Too

One Day Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. 

 Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Teacher vs Student.. Funny Conversation

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Its Awesome... Must Read

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh !!!” To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!

Curious, he yells : “Who are you ?” He receives the answer : “Who are you ?”

Angered at the response, he screams : “Coward !” He receives the answer : “Coward !”

He looks to his father and asks : “What ’s going on ?”

The father smiles and says : “My son, pay attention.”

And then he screams to the mountain : “I admire you!” The voice answers : “I admire you!”

Again the man screams : “You are a champion!” The voice answers : “You are a champion!”

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains : “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do. Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life ; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

Do You FART in Bed?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I  think I got most of them back in………..”

Its So Funny

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa’s father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, “Well Johnny, you’re only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Lisa’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

He then says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you’ve got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?”

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says “We’ve been lucky so far…”

Employee Vs Boss

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, Truworths, my landlord, my credit card companies & loan sharks!

The Real Magician

John and Smith walk into a Super market.

The John steals 3 chocolate bars and puts in his pocket and when they left the store he said to the Smith "You see that? I stole three chocolate bars.

Nobody saw me. So that’s magic and I am a magician,"

The Smith said " lets go back to the store, me gonna show you who the real magician is".

They went in and the Smith said to the cashier "you want to see a magic trick?"

The cashier said “Yes, Show Me Sir"

"Hand me a chocolate bar" he ate it.

"Hand me another one" he ate that too.

 "Hand me one more" and he ate it 3^rd One Also.

"But sir where's the magic?" asked the cashier.

The Smith man said “check the John's pockets and you will find all three chocolate bars”

If You Want LEAVE Then Must Try This

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Read Slowly - Very Funny

MUST READ SLOWLY.. 

Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrived at the man’s ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for 599 dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walked into the telegraph office, and said, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explained that he’d be glad to help her, then added, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she’d only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shook his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The sister explained, “She’ll read it very slowly: Come-for-the-bull”

Passenger & The Taxi Driver

 A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first  day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

After Few Miles Away, A Passenger sees his wife entering a hotel with another man,  and tells the driver.

Do you want to Earn $500 right away ?

The driver excitedly said what do I have to do?

Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here’s a picture of her.

After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, While kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.

And the Passenger says to him, “This is not my wife”

the driver replied ” Nooooo , this is mine, hold her for me.

I’m going for yours”

Very Very Funny

One Day Johnny goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

Johnny thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."

He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Funny Grandpa

An elderly man in London calls his son in New York and says; 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 60 years of marriage and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about his, so you call your sister in Malaysia and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her Father immediately, and screams at him, 'You are not getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay', he says, 'It's all set.

They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

Don't Mess With Women

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend,and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says. “Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

Very Funny Little Johnny Hilarious Joke

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty."

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, then her classmate Little Johnny who is standing behind her gives her a poke and says, ‘See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!’

The teacher fainted!!!

Funny Little Johnny

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest! ?" 

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. 

The following morning he asked his father the same question.

His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. 

When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early.

Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" 

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying ?" 

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Do You Know Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Grandpa vs Grandson.. So Funny

A Grandpa and a Grandson Smith was seating next to each other in a Bus.

Grandpa said to Smith lets play a game.

I will ask you a question and if you didn't get the answer, you will pay me $100, and if u ask me a question and I didn’t get the answer, I will pay you $10000.

The Grandpa started: What is the distance from the Earth to Jupiter?

Smith doesn't say a word, he reaches his pocket and pulled out a $50 and gave him.

Now it's Smith turn to ask.

He said: what goes up in the hill with 5 legs and comes down with 7 legs?

The Grandpa Thought for a long time, searches the internet, and asked all his smart friends but couldn't get the answer.

He reaches his pocket and pulled out a $10000 and gave it Smith.

Grandpa got mad and asked Smith: well, what the hell goes up the hill with 5 legs and comes down with 7 legs?.

Smith just deep his hand into his pocket and gave Grandpa $100 and said: I don't know also.

Epic Grandpa FART

A 65 Years old Grandpa goes to the doctor and says :

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says,"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.''

The next week the Grandpa comes back.

"Doctor," He says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says,"Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

House Maid vs Young Married Girl

The house maid asked for a pay increase. The Young Married Girl was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Young Married Girl: “Now Lucia, why do you want a pay increase?

Lucia: “Well, Madam, there are 3 reasons why I want the increase. The first is that I iron better than you"

Young Married Girl: “Idiot who said you iron better than me?”

Lucia: “you husband told me so.”

Young Married Girl: “Oh yeah?”

Lucia: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Young Married Girl: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Lucia: “your husband did”

Young Married Girl: “Oh he did, did he?”

Lucia: “yes and the third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Young Married Girl, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks,

“What??????? And did my husband say that as well. Let the useless man come home today he will learn a lesson?”

Lucia: “Relax madam… it is the gardener told me that.”

Young Married Girl: “So how much do you want?

Its So Funny

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, Tattooed biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face.

As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messing with ya"

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

Everything has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison

dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Epic Funny Conversation Between Dad & Son

Dad: if you Pass in the exam i will Present you 1 Cycle.

Son: if i fail?

Dad: Then i will Present 10 Cycles

Son: why?

Dad: To Open a Cycle Shop..

After Exam Result

Dad: What's your Grade, son?

Son: Under water, Dad.

Dad: Under water? What do You mean?

Son: They're below C level.

Dad: whenever i beat you, you don't get annoyed, how you control your anger?

Son: i start cleaning the toilet. Sitting with your toothbrush

Dad shocks....

Dad: Whom You like more Mom or Dad?

Son: Both

Dad: No tell me 1?

Son: Both

Dad: If i go to America & Your mother go to Paris Where will you go?

Son: Paris

Dad: It means that  you like your Mom?

Son: No, because Paris is beautiful than America

Dad: If i go to Paris & your Mom goes to America , so Where will you go?

Son: America

Dad: why?

Son: I've seen Paris with my Mom, Daddy....

Dad shocks....
Son rocks.....

EPIC Salesman

A young guy from California moves to New York. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a salesman job.

The CEO says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in California."

Well, the CEO liked the young guy and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The young guy says, "One."

The CEO says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The young guy says "$404,237.65."

The CEO says "$404,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The young guy says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The CEO said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The young guy said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a Merchant announced to the villagers that he would buy goats for $ 20. The villagers, seeing that there were many goats around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The Merchant bought thousands at $20 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $30. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching goats again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to $35 and the supply of goats became so little that it was an effort to even see a goat, let alone catch it!

The Merchant now announced that he would buy goats at $60! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

Look at all these goats in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $50 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $70.

" The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the goats. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only goats everywhere!

Welcome to the 'Stock Market' .....

Its Awesome.. Must Read

Young John moved to Village of Hempstead, New York and bought a horse from a Old Farmer for $100.00. The Old Farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, “Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died.”

John replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The  Old Farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

John said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The Old Farmer asked, “What you going to do with him?”

John said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The Old Farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

John said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the Old Farmer met up with John and asked, “What happened With that dead horse?”

John said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00.”

The Old Farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

John said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

John grew up and now works for the government.

Very Funny Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal, pays and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

Same thing happens, the blind man ordered the food, eats, pays and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girls go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The Girls read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the Girls. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth Floor: The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

Very Very Funny..

One girl went to a laptop Sales & Service Shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a Salesman from whom he bought.

She told the salesman that you have cheated me.

I cannot transfer file from my previous Computer to Laptop..

Salesman : Madam, can you please try in front of me.

This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer  and selected CUT option.

2) Then She Disconnected the mouse from that Computer.

3) Took that mouse carefully and connected into the Newly Purchased Laptop where she wanted to copy that file.

4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option
.
.
.
Salesman DIED

Unforgettable Camping Trip

One day a Grandfather and his educated grandson went to a camping trip, and set up their tent and fell asleep.

After some hours , The Grandfather woke up his Grandson and said...

"Look up at the sky and tell me what did you see?"

The Grandson said ... "I see millions of stars,moon, and moving clouds."

His Grandfather asks... "What does that tell you?"

The Grandson think for a minute and then says...

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

After Few Minutes, The Grandson asks "What does it tell you Grandpaa?"

The Grandfather is silent for a moment, and then tells:

"Practically, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent"

Story Told by a Married Woman

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend : 

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you..’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress : 

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story : 

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

Who Pass This Experiment

The old man had a teenage son, and it was getting high time the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible,

2. A silver dollar,

3. A bottle of whiskey,

4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," The old man said to himself, "and when he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!" the old man prayed. "He's going into politics!!"

Trainee vs CEO

Perfect example of confidence:

A Newly Joined Trainee in a Big Multinational Company Dialed CEO Number by mistake & said,

“Hey, send a hot coffee in accounts Dept in 2 min”

CEO shouted: Do you know with whom u are talking?

Trainee: NO

CEO: I am CEO of the Company.

Trainee in the same Tone: Do you know with whom you are talking?

CEO: No

Trainee said: Thanks God & disconnected the phone

Conversation between a PhD holder and an ordinary man

Conversation between a PhD holder and an ordinary man

A PhD holder and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep. 

Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his PhD  friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?" 

The PhD man replies: "I see millions of stars." The ordinary man asks: "What does that tell you?" 

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:

"Practically, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent"

3 IDIOTS.. Too Funny

Three Men went for a tour to Singapore. They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should Reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30pm. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under The condition that each man has to tell a story that lasts for 33 Floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first man finished his story in 33rd floor, the third Man said, "I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second man finished his story and the third finished his Story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first man asked what was the sad story. The third one said,"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second man after crossing 33 floors from top said, " I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second man said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third man said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third man about the sad story, he replied: 

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"

Amazing Message...

“The Best Lines ever said by a Man....."

When I was born, A Woman was there to hold me...... My Mother

As I grew up as a child, A woman was there to care & play with me..... My sister

I went to school, A Woman was there to help me learn...... My Teacher

I became depressed when I lost, A Woman was there to offer a shoulder... My Girlfriend

I needed compatibility, company & Love, A Woman was there for me.. My Wife

I became tough, A Woman was there to melt me..... My Daughter

When I will die, A Woman will be there to absorb me in....... Motherland

If you are a Man, value every Woman...& If you are a Woman, feel proud to be one

Give respect to women...

Funny & True Example of Corruption

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. 

One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

One Day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. 

He Pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. 

Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and Daughter, and a sp*rm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Very Funny Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

PAPPU vs OBAMA

Pappu went to USA and had a Face to Face meeting with OBAMA

OBAMA : I want to show you how much advanced we are. Come with me, He takes him to a forest.

OBAMA : Dig the ground.

Pappu did it.

OBAMA : More….More… More …

Pappu went up to 100 Feet.

OBAMA : So now, try to search for something.

Pappu : I got a Wire.

OBAMA : You know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Pappu became frustrated. He invited OBAMA to Nigeria. That year.

OBAMA visited Nigeria.

Pappu : I want to show you our advancement. He takes OBAMA to a forest.

Pappu : Dig it.... OBAMA does.

Pappu : More…. More… More……

OBAMA goes upto almost 400 feet.

Pappu : Try to find something.

OBAMA tried.

Pappu : Did you get anything ?

OBAMA : No, there is nothing here.

Pappu : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago, we used to have WIRELESS mobile