Its So Funny.. Must Read

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina ?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman,"Do you have a Vagina ?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,"Honey, i am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispered to the wife,"Honey, i am going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,"Do you have a Vagina ?"

"Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!!"

Funny Final Destination

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.  His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.  The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Revenge Like a BOSS

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"

She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. 

I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it."

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Very Very Funny Conversation

Girl: I'm in a big trouble!

Boy: Why is that?

Girl: I saw a mouse in my house!

Boy: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

Girl: I don't have one.

Boy: Well then, buy one.

Girl: Can't afford one.

Boy: I can give you mine if you want.

Girl: That sounds good.

Boy: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

Girl: I don't have any cheese.

Boy: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

Girl: I don't have oil.

Boy: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

Girl: I don't have bread.

Boy: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house..??

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

Little Marry was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Marry, who created the universe?"

When Marry didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Marry and the teacher said, "Very good" and Marry fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Marry, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, Marry didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Marry and the teacher said, "very good," and Marry fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Marry a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Marry jumped up and shouted,

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
 ****


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One Of The Best Argument Ever I Read

Don’t miss even a single word…. It’s Too good.. An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and…..

In 1902, a professor asked his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe ?

Student replied : Yes

He again asked : what about evil ?

Has God created evil also ?

The student got silent....

Then the student requested that may he ask a question for him ?

Professor allowed him to do so.

He asked : Does cold exist

Professor said : yes ! Don't You feel the cold dear

Student said : I'm sorry but your wrong sir.

Cold is a complete absence of heat..

There is no cold, it is only an absence of heat.

Student asked again : Does darkness exist ?

Professor said : yes !

Student replied : your again wrong sir.

There is no such thing like darkness.

Its actually the absence of light. Sir ! We always study light & heat, but not cold & darkness.

Similarly, the evil does not exist.

Actually it is the absence of love, faith & true belief in God.

That student was Albert Einstein...!!!

Its So Funny.. Must Read

Jack and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Jack’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Jack’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Jack and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”. Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Jack and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.” Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Jack and Mary up yet?”
His mom says, “No”.

He asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Jack came to my room for some Vaseline and I think….

I Gave Him My AIRPLANE GLUE.”

 ********---------*********

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Funniest Senior Moment Ever

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

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Some old men can still think fast

A man in New York owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large Lake in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Very Funny Gold Diggers!!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Very Funny Two little boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any  mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s  face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him
in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

Thanks for reading. Dont forget to share because remember… “Sharing is Caring”.

Talking Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. "

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?

I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but having a talking frog, now that's cool."

Funniest Letter Ever

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
*******

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, So he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
*******
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
*******
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
*******
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. ''Just be home in time for dinner'', Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
*******
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!


Bobby