Funny Student

One day a Lecturer was talking about marriage in class...

Lecturer : What kind of wife would you like Smith?

Smith : I would want a wife like the moon...

Lecturer : Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Smith : No, no...

Lecturer: oh so you want her to be round and white? ??

Smith: No, no...

Lecturer: Oh, so you want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon? ??
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Smith: No, no...I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning

Best Break-Up Letter Ever!!

Best Break-Up Letter Ever!

A soldier stationed in Pakistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Rocky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Bocky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Bocky, Rocky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Bocky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Rocky

What do U Think I am 'Mc'Donalds'

Wife to Husband: "Come Help Me in Garden.."

Husband: "Wat do U think I am A Gardener??"

Wife: "Come Fix the Toilet Faucet..!"

Husband:What do U Think I am A Plumber??"

Wife: "Come fix the Door Handle.."

Husband: What do U Think I am A Carpenter??

[The Husband Went Out but When He came Back, He Saw that Everything was Fixed..! The Garden, Toilet Faucet & the Door Handle..!]

He Asked his Wife Who did It??

The Wife Said: "Its the Neighbor's Pintu's Father, But He gave Me to Options... Either to Make Him a Burger; Or have A Kiss With Him..!"

Husband: I'm Sure, U gave Him a Burger..! :))

Wife: "What do U Think I am 'McDonald's' !!! ??"

Don't Copy, if you can't Paste

A famous inspirational speaker said :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife. "

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added : "She was my mother"

(A big round of pause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife "

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.

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By the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water !!!

Moral : Don't Copy, if you can't Paste...

Manners, Shut up, and Poop

There were 3 guys driving down a road really fast.

The guys names are Manners, Shut up, and Poop.

While they were driving Poop falls out the back of the car and Manners goes after him.

Shut up is still speeding when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks over and asks Shut up "what is your name, son?"

He replied "Shut up."

The cop asks again "son, please tell me your name."

Shut up tells him again "Shut up!" 



 
Then the cop asks "where are your Manners kid!?"

Then Shut up said, "he is back there picking up poop."

Very Very Cute & Funny Too

One Day Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. 

 Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Teacher vs Student.. Funny Conversation

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Its Awesome... Must Read

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh !!!” To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!

Curious, he yells : “Who are you ?” He receives the answer : “Who are you ?”

Angered at the response, he screams : “Coward !” He receives the answer : “Coward !”

He looks to his father and asks : “What ’s going on ?”

The father smiles and says : “My son, pay attention.”

And then he screams to the mountain : “I admire you!” The voice answers : “I admire you!”

Again the man screams : “You are a champion!” The voice answers : “You are a champion!”

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains : “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do. Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life ; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

Do You FART in Bed?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I  think I got most of them back in………..”

Its So Funny

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa’s father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, “Well Johnny, you’re only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Lisa’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

He then says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you’ve got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?”

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says “We’ve been lucky so far…”

Employee Vs Boss

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, Truworths, my landlord, my credit card companies & loan sharks!

The Real Magician

John and Smith walk into a Super market.

The John steals 3 chocolate bars and puts in his pocket and when they left the store he said to the Smith "You see that? I stole three chocolate bars.

Nobody saw me. So that’s magic and I am a magician,"

The Smith said " lets go back to the store, me gonna show you who the real magician is".

They went in and the Smith said to the cashier "you want to see a magic trick?"

The cashier said “Yes, Show Me Sir"

"Hand me a chocolate bar" he ate it.

"Hand me another one" he ate that too.

 "Hand me one more" and he ate it 3^rd One Also.

"But sir where's the magic?" asked the cashier.

The Smith man said “check the John's pockets and you will find all three chocolate bars”

If You Want LEAVE Then Must Try This

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Read Slowly - Very Funny

MUST READ SLOWLY.. 

Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrived at the man’s ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for 599 dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walked into the telegraph office, and said, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explained that he’d be glad to help her, then added, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she’d only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shook his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The sister explained, “She’ll read it very slowly: Come-for-the-bull”

Passenger & The Taxi Driver

 A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first  day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

After Few Miles Away, A Passenger sees his wife entering a hotel with another man,  and tells the driver.

Do you want to Earn $500 right away ?

The driver excitedly said what do I have to do?

Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here’s a picture of her.

After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, While kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.

And the Passenger says to him, “This is not my wife”

the driver replied ” Nooooo , this is mine, hold her for me.

I’m going for yours”