Very Very Funny.. Must Read

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?” Harry: “9?

Principal: “What is 6×6?” Harry: “36?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.”

DAD

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. 

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. 

But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. 

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. 

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Unexpected Funny Ending

Fat man saw an ad: "lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.

He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am. 

The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying: "you catch me u f**k me!" & the girl starts running.

He starts running but doesn't catch her.

During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.

However he loses 5 kg.

He then asks for the 10kg program.

Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt 
saying: "You catch me You f**k me".

He loses 10 kg that week.

So he thought this program is awesome!

Lets try the 25 kg! So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are Youu sure? its really tough".
He said "YES!"

Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a gay in just underwear saying..

"If I catch u, I will fuck u.."

Funniest Wife Reply

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.

Your loving husband,

His wife replied

Hey hubby

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart

MOTHER BRINGS BABY BACK TO LIFE WITH TWO HOURS OF LOVING CUDDLES

MOTHER BRINGS BABY BACK TO LIFE WITH TWO HOURS OF LOVING CUDDLES AFTER DOCTORS PRONOUNCE HIM DEAD

Please Share This Incredible Story

It was a final chance to say goodbye for grieving mother Kate Ogg after doctors gave up hope of saving her premature baby. She tearfully told her lifeless son – born at 27 weeks weighing 2lb – how much she loved him and cuddled him tightly, not wanting to let him go. Although little Jamie’s twin sister Emily had been delivered successfully, doctors had given Mrs Ogg the news all mothers dread – that after 20 minutes of battling to get her son to breathe, they had declared him dead.

Having given up on a miracle, Mrs Ogg unwrapped the baby from his blanket and held him against her skin. And then an extraordinary thing happened. After two hours of being hugged, touched and spoken to by his mother, the little boy began showing signs of life.

At first, it was just a gasp for air that was dismissed by doctors as a reflex action. But then the startled mother fed him a little breast milk on her finger and he started breathing normally.

‘I thought, “Oh my God, what’s going on”,’ said Mrs Ogg. ‘A short time later he opened his eyes. It was a miracle. Then he held out his hand and grabbed my finger. ‘He opened his eyes and moved his head from side to side. The doctor kept shaking his head saying, “I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it”.’

The Australian mother spoke publicly for the first time yesterday to highlight the importance of skin-on-skin care for sick babies, which is being used at an increasing number of British hospitals.

In most cases, babies are rushed off to intensive care if there is a serious problem during the birth. But the ‘kangaroo care’ technique, named after the way kangaroos hold their young in a pouch next to their bodies, allows the mother to act as a human incubator to keep babies warm, stimulated and fed. Pre-term and low birth-weight babies treated with the skin-to-skin method have also been shown to have lower infection rates, less severe illness, improved sleep patterns and are at reduced risk of hypothermia.

Mrs Ogg and her husband David told how doctors gave up on saving their son after a three-hour labour in a Sydney hospital in March. The doctor asked me had we chosen a name for our son,’ said Mrs Ogg. ‘I said, “Jamie”, and he turned around with my son already wrapped up and said, “We’ve lost Jamie, he didn’t make it, sorry”.

‘It was the worse feeling I’ve ever felt. I unwrapped Jamie from his blanket. He was very limp. ‘I took my gown off and arranged him on my chest with his head over my arm and just held him. He wasn’t moving at all and we just started talking to him. ‘We told him what his name was and that he had a sister. We told him the things we wanted to do with him throughout his life.’

Jamie occasionally gasped for air, which doctors said was a reflex action. But then I felt him move as if he were startled, then he started gasping more and more regularly. ‘I gave Jamie some breast milk on my finger, he took it and started regular breathing.’

Mrs Ogg held her son, now five months old and fully recovered, as she spoke on the Australian TV show Today Tonight. Her husband added: ‘Luckily I’ve got a very strong, very smart wife. ‘She instinctively did what she did. If she hadn’t done that, Jamie probably wouldn’t be here.’

Father and Son Epic Conversation

Son: "Why is making Love so enjoyable?"

Father: "It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!!"

Son: "Why do women enjoy more sex than men?"
 
Father: "It's because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger!!!"

Son: "Why do women hate it when they get raped?"
 
Father: "It is like when you are walking down the street, someone else come over & dig your nose, do you like it???"

Son: "Why women cant have good sex when they are having their periods?"
 
Father: "If your nose is bleeding,,, do you still dig it???"

Son: "Why men don't like to wear condoms when they are making love?"
 
Father: "Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger???"

Son: "Why is making love carried out in private?"
 
Father: "Will you dig your nose in front of your class???"
 
See life is so Simple...

Message Alert

There was this guy who was in love with a certain girl, but never had the guts to tell her.

One night, at around 11pm, he summoned some courage and sent her a text message saying, ‘I love you, I wanna date You. 

Please reply and tell me how You feel.’

A few seconds later he received a message alert on his phone. 

He was so scared & tensed to open it that night, so he decided not to check the reply until in the morning when he is less tensed.

When he woke up the next day, he said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath, combed his hair, then climbed back in bed and gently picked up his phone to read the message.

As he started reading this is what he saw…….

Dear customer you have insufficient balance to complete your request. kindly recharge your account and try again.

Man and God

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. 

All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. 

Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. 

The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. 

Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. 

All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. 

I wish that I could understand women. 

I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Man vs Woman

Man saw COLORS & invented PAINT.

Woman got inspired from PAINT & invented MAKE-UP.

Man coined WORDS & invented CONVERSATION.

Woman got inspired from CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.

Man learned AGRICULTURE & invented FOOD.

Woman got inspired from FOOD & invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE.

Woman got inspired from LOVE & invented ... LOVE TRIANGLES!

Man discovered TRADING & invented MONEY.

Woman got MONEY & started SHOPPING.

That's it!

Thereafter, man has invented lots of things.

And WOMEN are still SHOPPING!

Crazy Guy

One Day Morning, A Girl Send Message to Boy Friend..

Girl: Hi.. Good Morning

Boy: Hey.... Very Good Morning.. 

Girl : What are you doing ?

Boy : killing mosquitoes

Girl : how many did you killed ?

Boy : total 5 ( 3 female 2 male )

Girl : how did you know that ?

Boy : 3 sitting near mirror ,, 2 near beer

On That Day in CHEMISTRY CLASS

Professor: Chemical symbol of Barium?

Boy: BA

Professor: For sodium?

Boy: NA

Professor: What will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atoms of NA are combined?

Boy: BANANA !!!

Professor: ????????????

Evening, On The Way to Home, He Meets An Accident With His New Ferrari. ..

Policemen Arrives....

Boy:- (Cried) Officer! My Brand New Car!

Police Replied:- You're Such materialistic. You Even Haven't Notice That Your Left Arm Has Been Cut Off.

Boy (He Looks At His Left Arm And Yells) : OMG ! My Rolex Watch..!

That's Media

A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

Local paper read: King's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.

Next day paper read: "QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10"

The queen fainted...

The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.

The Next Headlines: "QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD"

The king died...

That's Media !

King and Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

.

.

.

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

Very Very Funny

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened.

I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. 

I get home... and guess what I found ?

Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "

There is something very odd going on here.

My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.

I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your E-mail!"

A Funny Case Of Kiss And A Slap - Must Read

A HR Manager, His Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends...

The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark...

Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!
The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel...

The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking Perplexed...

The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap.
All Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything...

The Old Woman Is Thinking :
These Managers Are All Crazy After Girls. He Must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him...

The Young Girl Is Thinking :
The Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss Me But Kissed My Mother Instead And Got Slapped...

The Manager Is Thinking :
Damn It... My Assistant Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought It Was Me And Slapped Me...

Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking...

.

.

Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking...

If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again...

The Bastard Keeps Harassing Me In The Office...!!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... 

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. 

You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. 

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. 

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. 

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Very Very Funny

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. 

By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" 

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Very Funny Love letter from an Accountant

Smith a graduate of Accounting, wrote a letter to his Girl Friend Linda

Love letter from an Accountant

In the Journal of my heart, I have written a Journal Entry, Debiting my love & crediting my affection, Now partners, I write this Narration.

Your beauty is the Capital of our business, And your eyes are Stock In Trade, Now let us enter into a Transaction, Without providing Depreciation.

Your first love I have already indicated On the Ledger Folio column, Any way, our relations are based on Double Entry System.

Our love is Real & Tangible proposals, Which can be realized, Interest on the same, Can be capitalized.

Partner, you are like a Contra Entry, You are on my Debit Side & Credit Side, Both at the same time, And so my partner now ,let us Rectify, All our errors & total the Trial Balance, Of our affairs & emotions, Without maintaining any Suspense Account.

And any difference in the Trial Balance, And In the Balance Sheet of our life. Our children will be Assets & Liabilities, If they are boys, shall we call them Sundry Debtors? If they are girls, shall we call them Sundry Creditors?

But if we have a boy & a girl, Our Balance Sheet will Tally automatically, A balance Sheet And the Auditor will certify thus,

"THE ACCOUNT SHOWS A TRUE & FAIR VIEW OF LOVELY BUSINESS CONDUCTED DURING Smith & Linda's life Account.

Your dying Accountant in love,
Smith

Customer Care in 2020…

Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…

Customer : Hello, can I order..

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?

Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.

Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…

Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer : How come?

Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir

Customer : What?… What do you recommend then?

Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.

Customer : How do you know for sure?

Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir.

Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99!

Customer : Can I pay by! credit card?

Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.

Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…

Customer : What!

Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…

Operator : Is there anything else Sir?

Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic…….

Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?

Customer : Faints…..

Funny Husband

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.

He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. 

So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. 


His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba ? Is that you ?"






After Few Weeks Later,


A sick woman was lying on her sick bed with her husband by her side, she turns to the husband and said

WIFE : Honey, I have a confession to make...

HUSBAND : Save your strength my dear!

WIFE : [Cuts in] Nooo, I want to say it so that when I die my spirit will be at rest. I have been stealing your money and giving it to my boyfriend, You're
not the father of our son Junior, I was the one who stole your gold wrist watch and hide it in your sister's bag so that you'll drive her away..

Please forgive me

HUSBAND : I know all this, that's why I poisoned you. Keep calm Let the poison work...

So Funny

A bunch of guys are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping center and found this beautiful leather coat.

It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “Only $95, 000?

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950, 000?

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The guy hangs up.

The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks:

“Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

MoM & Son Awesome Conversation

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. ;)

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

MOM : 

One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.  

Two,you are the PRINCIPAL of the school "

Funny Little Johny

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Funny Husband and Wife

A newly Married Husband saved his Wife's number... on his mobile as... "My Life"..
.
After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"..
.
After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"..
.
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"..!!
.
After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "WRONG NUMBER "..!!!

Wife: You had lunch?

Husband(in fun mood) : You had lunch?

Wife : I am asking You.
...
Husband : I am asking You.

Wife: You copying me?

Husband: You copying me?

Wife: Lets go shopping

Husband: I had lunch

Its Awesome.. Must Read

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. 

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. 

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. 

The husband still feeling fine. 

The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. 

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. 

She and her husband were ecstatic. 

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Funny Women

Two women were playing golf one Saturday. 

The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said "Please allow me to help I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. 

She began to massage him.

She then asked him "How does that feel?"

To which he replied "It feels great but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

Funny Husband and Wife

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. 

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!

LOL ....!!

Very Very Funny..

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen is a Apache helicopter pilot in Afghanistan and one day her helicopter was hit with a rocket.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the knife until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the HELL away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Beautiful Love Story

Beautiful Love Story

A guy met a girl online, and gradually began to chat to each other regularly and became good friends. 

After a few months, they expressed their love for each other. They were happily in love for a few weeks, until one day suddenly the girl stopped responding to the guys messages. He waited and waited ..

Weeks passed, and he still sat by his internet awaiting her message, but nothing..

He was scared something had happened to her, his heart felt like it did but eventually he accepted the fact that their relationship was over. He was heartbroken .. He cried himself to sleep everyday reading her old love messages.

After a few years, he had just started university. After all this years, he stayed away from girls because he couldn't stand the heartbreak, but one girl took his fancy.

A beautiful women, it was weird as he never even looked at girls before, but there was something special about her. So he approached her, but was rejected instantly.

Boy: I'm sorry, if I offended you by saying I liked you.

Girl: It's not your fault .. It's just that I'm already in love with someone ..

Boy: Oh right, I'm sorry. Your already taken

Girl: Actually no.. I fell in love with a boy three years ago, he was from here, but due to the circumstances I had to leave him, but now as an excuse to study I have come here in search of him..

Boy: Wow! Actually I've been through something similar!

Girl: Really? What was her name?

Boy: Alisha (when he looked down at the girls book it was labelled 'Alisha'..)

They embraced each other and burst into tears!

Boy: Why did you leave me??

Girl: I met with a car accident, and was in the hospital paralyzed for a year .. I only fully recovered 6 months ago. Everyone thought I was going to die, but the thought of seeing you kept me alive. When I got better, I planned to come and see you to surprise you, you told me you would only want to go to this university so I applied here too.

MORAL: True love will always find it's way; No matter what obstacles are in it's path. If your love is true; Just wait for it to find you ..?.?

Share if you are touched

Funny Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today if I went to the jail!!"

Daughter or One Million

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. 

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. 

I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. 

The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. 

Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Boy and Girl

A couple went to the zoo, as they passed a gorilla's cage the girlfriend said "babe did you know that the gorilla resembles a man in its behavior ?”

The boyfriend got annoyed but managed to ask "why did you say that ?" she looked around and said, "OK, see this one", she raised up her skirt and showed half of her thighs, the gorilla went crazy and tried to get out of his cage, "you see, like men just show them little part of your body they go crazy and want to grab you at that moment" she said.

“OK” he replied.

The girlfriend looked around again and said "watch this" she showed her breast to the gorilla and it got crazier and broke two parts of his cage! "See what he did, so I’m not surprise if you got that animalistic behavior too".

The boyfriend got really annoyed with his girlfriend and said "OK, can you show him your bum ?"

She looked around again and raised her skirt and showed her bum. 

This time the gorilla was too aroused and damaged its cage and escaped, he grabbed the woman and started to rip her dress. She cried for help "Babe! Help me, what will I do ?”

The boyfriend sarcastically answered "well tell him that you've got a headache, you are not in the mood and tell me again that men and gorilla are the same!”

Logical thinking....

A NIGHT IN THE BAR:

Bartender: Who Are You? I've never seen you before...
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: Whats that?
Man: Its a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: That's logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gay!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!

(About 20 minute later the Bartender's Boss Comes)

Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! Whats that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I'll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gay! BOSS DIED...!!

Teacher vs Student

TEACHER: If I give u 2cats and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?

Student: Seven, Sir.

TEACHER: No, listen carefully. If give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?

Student: Seven.

TEACHER: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?

Student: Six.

TEACHER: Good. Now if I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats you will have?

Student: Seven!!!

Angry TEACHER: Where did you get Your seven from?

Student: (Angrily!) Because I already get 1 cat for House!

Man vs Angel

Smith was on the bed with his wife, sleeping.

One Night He dreamy, "he was in heaven". When he got to heaven's gate, he met an angel who started showing him everything.

After a while Smith asked the angel; can i piss here?.

Angel replied ; it's not allowed but you can.

A short while later again, Smith asked; can i mess here ?.

Angel replied ; it's not allowed but you can.

Minutes later, again, Smith asked; can i poo here ?.

Angel replied ; it's not allowed but you can.

Smith saw a flower and asked the angel; can i use the flower to clean my butt ?.

Angel said; it's not allowed but you can.

As Smith was about to use the flower to clean his butt, a hot slap landed on his face....

then his Wife shouted; you piss for bed, i no talk, you mess, i leave you, i no talk, you poo on top bed, i leave you, i no talk. You now want to use my wrapper clean your bottom, You they mad ?..

Its So Funny.. Must Read

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was't wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

''What are you going to do with the prize money ?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' 

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.''

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet ?''

After Few Days Later,

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. 

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. 

The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. 

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. 

As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Satan vs Man

Satan visits a church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny of Green-ville wakes up early and goes to their local church. 

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. 

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

awkward moment

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow...

Today I went on thesaurus.com & searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

That awkward moment when someone spells your name wrong on Facebook even though your name is RIGHT THERE!

That awkward moment when you get tagged in a photo on a night, at a place that you said you weren't...

Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

*Year 2050* Son: “Dad how did you meet mom?” Dad: “Aaah my son… It all started with a Poke on Facebook”.

Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

LIKE if your parents think your friends are a bad influence, but honestly, you are usually
the one that comes up w/ the ideas.

Don't underestimate me, that's my family's job.

Expiry Date

Wife:What are you doing?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.

Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.

Wife : Do you want dinner?’

Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife :Yes or no.

Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?

The Lazy Husband

A newly wed couple moves into their house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says!

WIFE: Honey, you know in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?
HUSBAND: What do I look like Mr. Plumber?

A few days go by and he comes home from work!

WIFE: Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?
HUSBAND: What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?

The next day the husband comes back home from work! The plumbing is fixed, so is the roof and so is the car! He asked his wife what happened.

WIFE: Oh, I had a handyman come fix them.
HUSBAND: How much did it cost?
WIFE: Nothing, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him!
HUSBAND: Which cake did you bake?
WIFE: Do I look like Cakes n Cream?

Very Very Funny

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. 

They go to the police station to make a full report. 

Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.

To their amazement, the car has been returned. 

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. 

Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. 

They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken through out the house, from basement to attic.

And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

Sister Mathematical vs Sister Logical

There were two nuns One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?

I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Mother

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 4 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... )

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Father and Son

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain : “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Curious, he yells : “Who are you ?”

He receives the answer : “Who are you ?”

Angered at the response, he screams : “Coward !”

He receives the answer : “Coward !”

He looks to his father and asks : “What ’s going on ?”

The father smiles and says : “My son, pay attention.”

And then he screams to the mountain : “I admire you!”

The voice answers : “I admire you!”

Again the man screams : “You are a champion!”

The voice answers : “You are a champion!”

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains : “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE. It gives you back everything you say or do. Our life is simply a reflection of our actions. If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

She is not my wife

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Love Me For Who I Am

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?!! What was that ?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom ?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was so excited.

Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped, "WHAT ?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ?"

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

Big Fart

A woman went to dinner with her boyfriend at his parents house for the first time and was eager to make a good impression. 

The boyfriends mother however had cooked a rich Mexican meal full of onions and beans.

Shortly into the dinner the woman felt a fart coming on but try as she might she could not keep it in and she let out a small passing of wind.

Everyone at the table went silent but before she could say anything the boyfriends father looked at the family dog which was lying under the table and yelled, “Ginger.” 

The woman was greatly relieved and continued her meal. Soon she felt another fart coming on and with only a small hesitation let out a moderately loud passing of wind.

Once again the father looked at the dog and yelled, “Ginger goddamit!”

The meal resumed and everything was going great until near the end of the evening when the woman felt another fart coming on.

Without a thought she let go a long, loud and smelly fart that had everyone in the room reaching for napkins to cover their noses. 

This time the father looked at the dog and yelled, “Ginger goddammit, get away from the stinky bitch before she shits on you!”

Guy vs Death

One day death came to a Guy and said:"Hey, today is your last day" 

Guy:"But I'm not ready!". 

Death said:"Well today your name is the first on my list".

Guy:"Okay then why don't you take a seat and We will drink a COFFEE before we go?"
Death:"All right".

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it.

Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list.!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy:"Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list" 

Moral: Whatever is written in your Destiny Will never change no matter how much you try!!